Purpose

  

About this mug: I love puns! I saw this at a Hallmark store and just had to buy it. Besides, everyone needs an all porpoise - excuse me, all purpose - mug

Where do I begin? It has been more than two years since I’ve written in my blog and so much has happened. That’s actually part of the reason I haven’t written in here. There just hasn’t been time. I could do an entry reflecting on the experiences of the last two years but…I think I’ll just put it all in a nutshell:

• I lost 60 lbs
• I had Covid…again…and again
• I started a new job at the same company
• I went to New Orleans and saw some awesome cemeteries
• I had strep (which is so much worse as an adult than as a kid)
• I went to New Orleans again for the SBC Annual meeting
• I went on my very first mission trip - to Guatemala
• I started seminary
• I gained 30 lbs

Good grief! When I lay it all out like that, it seems like it’s been chaos! Truth be told, it has been but being in the middle of it hasn’t made it seem quite as insane as seeing it in writing does. And there’s so much more coming up. I like being busy, though, and most of this has made me feel like I’ve had a purpose.

Now that I have a purpose, it’s time to give this blog a purpose. Up to this point, it has been more of a place to get my thoughts out of my head. That’s great but now there needs to be a reason for people to read this.

If you’re thinking I’m about to announce the purpose of this blog, I’m sorry to disappoint you. I haven’t come up with it yet. I do believe I need to keep doing it (or start doing it again), just what I should be doing with it still needs to be decided.

I’m working on it. Stay tuned.

Waiting

 

About this mug: This is the most expensive mug I own. I even got it at a discount and I still paid more for it than I have for any other mug I own. It commemorates Queen Elizabeth II’s 70th year on the throne. I bought it because I am a huge Anglophile and I adore Taste of Britain, the store where I bought it. I pre-ordered it in June and it was supposed to arrive in September. It didn’t arrive until December. A lot of waiting for one little expensive mug but I'm really glad it's finally here.

As this new year has begun, I've spent a little time thinking about the last couple of years. Mainly, I have to think about 2020 and 2021 together as I can't seem to remember where the two separate. I'm constantly getting events confused. The two years seem to have become one extremely long year due to the pandemic.

The last two years seem to have been all about waiting for something. Waiting for lockdown to end, waiting for a vaccine, waiting for Covid to go away. In the immortal words of John Mayer, "We keep waiting, waiting on the world to change."

The waiting only seems to have gotten worse, too. Now we're waiting longer for our purchases to come in, waiting for the new variant to hit, waiting in line for Covid tests. We still seem to be waiting for the end of the pandemic. There seems to be so much beyond the common person's control that all there is to do is wait.

The question I have for myself as I think about all this dang waiting is: "Is the wait worth it?" I waited for this expensive mug to come in. When it didn't come in, I patiently waited some more and it finally arrived. I was so excited and now I have this beautiful (albeit fragile) mug. I considered that wait worth it because I knew what was on the other end. 

I don't have any idea what the world is going to look like when we finally declare the pandemic over. However, I'm sick of waiting for something to be different. I may not be able to control the next variant or the supply chain, but there are things I can do to make things different. I want to make this waiting worth it. 

There have been plenty of examples from my friends who have taken this time to do something new. Some have built things, some have written books or poems, some have tried new hobbies and some have started new businesses. I haven't really done anything new. I've just continued doing the same thing over and over. But I don't want to look back at this time and think I waited for nothing, that I've sat still and waited for the world to change around me, only to be the exact same person I was before in a world that has become different. 

In all this waiting, there is still change and forward movement. Already, the world is a different place than it was in February 2020. I want this time to have been worth the wait for me. So, I'm going to find something to do. Maybe I'll write the novel I've dreamed of for decades now. Or maybe I'll work on better habits. No matter what it is, my goal is to come out on the other side having done something worth waiting for.

Cardinals

 

About this mug: I bought this at Hobby Lobby during one of their sales on Christmas stuff this year. Several other mugs were purchased at the same time because I can be a bit compulsive when it comes to mugs. But this one was my favorite among them. I mainly bought it because it was pretty but also because of the cardinal.

Cardinals seem to be quite popular in Christmas decorations. I'm sure it's because their red plumage looks really nice against a green tree or white snow. They also look really nice when they sit in this tree outside my office window. This time of year, I don't see many birds out my window but occasionally the bright red cardinal will catch my eye. While I'm not super crazy about birds, cardinals in Christmas decorations make me smile.

Growing up, I would watch my mom blow kisses at cardinals whenever she spotted one fly into our backyard. I asked her why and she said that, when you saw a cardinal, you're supposed to make a wish and blow a kiss. To this day, she still does this whenever she sees a cardinal.

There are quite a lot of traditions around cardinals. Some say dreaming about the bird is a sign that you are being honest with yourself about who you really are. In some Native American cultures, it's symbolic of devotion and monogamy. Cardinals are also associated with the Holy Spirit. A quick Google search will allow you to see all the significance cardinals have to those who see them. It's really fascinating. I had no idea.

Another tradition around cardinals my mother shared with me is that they are the spirits of loved ones you've lost coming to check in on you. Thinking of this one led me back to Google, not to see who else believes it but to see what kind of migration patterns cardinals have. That may be a strange reaction but it shows a little bit about how my brain works. If you believe that cardinals are spirits saying hello, then what happens when cardinals migrate? Do spirits just not visit during the winter? If there are no cardinals visiting in the winter, then what's with all the Christmas decorations with cardinals? 

So I looked up the migration patterns of cardinals. What I found out, thanks to the Audubon Society, was that cardinals don't migrate! At least the Northern Cardinals don't, which are the ones we see around here. They are permanent residents of their area. This made me feel a little warm inside. It means that, if you believe in such things, your loved ones can send you a cardinal any time of year.

So, what am I getting at? 

Whether or not you believe that cardinals are visiting loved ones, isn't it nice to think of those loved ones visiting at Christmas? Seeing a cardinal in a Christmas decoration is a reminder to me of those I have lost. Not so much that I've lost them but how much I love them. I can kind of pretend it's my loved one checking in from heaven and I can wish them a Merry Christmas. 

Facebook "Friends"

I don't often comment about current events or politics in general on here because this isn't that kind of blog. Sometimes I wish I did as it would at least put my American Government degree to work but I never wanted a political blog. There's enough of those already from people who know more than I do.

However, I believe that the events from this past week warrant comment. Things like what happened on Wednesday at the US Capitol should not happen here. We are the United States of America and we are blessed with the means to have our issues addressed in a civilized manner. Whatever you think of the politicians in the Capitol and what they were about to do, each one of them is a person with family and friends and people who depend on them. I can't imagine being in the situation they were in and I know I would have been scared out of my mind.

That said, this is not even the part I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is my Facebook feed.

For the record, I am typically Conservative in my politics. I'm not afraid to admit that. If you decide that my blog is not worth following now, despite the fact that this is not a political blog, I beg you to finish out this post before you stop.

This is something that has weighed on me for awhile, actually; since the election season began. The amount of vitriol I have seen on my Facebook has been heartbreaking. And it's not just coming from one side...

The worst part is when people say, "If you believe (insert "objectionable" belief here), then de-friend me now." I had one friend go as far as to say that it didn't matter to her how long she had been friends with the person and what they had been through together. That one actually hurt me a lot. While I didn't necessarily fall into what she was posting about, I do disagree with this friend quite often when it comes to politics and she and I went through a lot together when we were in college. I didn't de-friend her. My opinion is that, if she wants to throw away our 19 years of friendship, it's her call. I will be very sad if she does and will miss her.

Is this where we are now? Are we willing to throw away relationships built on love and trust over politics?

I have quite a few friends on "the other side of the spectrum". In fact, if I hadn't been involved in politics like I was in college, that might be most of my friends. We often don't discuss politics since most know I'm passionate in what I believe as I know they are and we're not going to change each other's minds. It may come up occasionally but when it does we will state our cases and then move on. There is so much more to our friendship than what we agree on.

However, there are two friends on the other side that I have had actual conversations with about politics and guess what...it didn't devolve into name-calling and the end of friendships. What I found in these conversations isn't that they were wrong and I was right. Their opinions were thought out and their reasons were even sound. Often, we had the same ultimate goals in what we were discussing, just different ways of getting there. It really came down to our difference of opinion on people themselves and what will actually work in making our country better. We ended our conversations agreeing to disagree but pleasantly.

The difference in these conversations versus what I've seen on Facebook was respect for one another. The respect to listen to the other's argument and the respect to remain civil in the face of a differing opinion.

After what happened Wednesday, the madness on Facebook seemed to come to a head. I had friends all but laughing at the situation and genuinely wishing ill on those who disagree with them. I put up a post about praying and then shut my Facebook down for the day. I had been close to crying when it came to what happened at the Capitol but seeing the intentional hurt come across Facebook that day put me over the edge. I shed a few tears.

What I realized after some reflection is that the statements these people were making were all blanket statements made in a moment of overwhelming emotion. Not that I think it's OK, even in that case. But it made me realize that it's easy to forget people are human beings when you're posting on Facebook. It's even easier to forget that politicians and reporters are actual people when they are so far away from you. It's so easy to turn someone you disagree with into a monster when you don't have actual contact with them.

And I think that's what a lot of the meanness on Facebook has boiled down to. We have forgotten that our "friends" are people. There may be names and pictures but, unless there is actual participation in each others' lives, it becomes easier to treat a Facebook friend as an avatar and not a human being with thoughts and feelings deserving of respect.

I want to state that I in no way believe you shouldn't post your political beliefs on Facebook. In fact, when done in a reasonable manner, I encourage it. We should be using social media outlets to discuss ideas and learn from each other. It's when that posting becomes intentionally hurtful that I condemn it. Everyone has the right to their own opinion and in the US we are blessed to have it on record that Free Speech is to be protected from government control. That doesn't mean I'm required to like what other people are saying or that I'm not allowed to vocally disagree. It doesn't mean you're required to, either.

All I want is for people to respect each other. That's not something that can be mandated, it has to happen in your own mind and heart. Remember that the friend you disagree with is a person just like you with their own experiences and learnings that have shaped who they are. Remember that you are friends with this person for a reason that may be so much greater than whether or not you agree on politics. If it comes down to it and their opinions are such a problem that it can't be overcome, then de-friend them, but have the guts to do it yourself. I fully acknowledge that there is a line with everyone that can be a huge problem when crossed but don't just throw away friends because they are Liberal or Conservative, Republican or Democrat. There is more to each person than how they vote.

After all, no matter who wins, we're all in this together. 

Owning my Goals - A New Year's Post

Writing this blog entry has been on my mind for weeks. Between the Holidays and the New Year and the fact that I just don't write enough, I have been thinking about what I should write about.

At the moment, I'm sitting outside (it's nice to live in a place where it's warm for part of January), sitting on the deck, drinking my coffee and thinking about what has recently happened and what I want to have happen in 2021 or at least some point in the very near future.

I've never really cared much about New Year's. There's always a bunch of noise about a fresh start and new beginning, like suddenly on the first day of the new year, all the bad stuff goes away and everything is clean. The thing is, I have always believed you can pick any day you want to change your life. Picking April 24th has as much effect as a date for change as January 1st. New Year's is just a calendar change that also happens to involve a couple more digits than usual.

That said, I'm not above taking the time to reflect on my life and what I need or want to change. And since y'all are such a supportive audience, I thought I'd start here.

True confession time: I'm back at my high weight again (no one is surprised). I could list off all the reasons why I stopped putting effort behind it but the ultimate truth is that I let everything get in the way. The Holidays are usually the time I stop paying close attention anyway but I made it worse this year. I own this decision. I'm not proud of it but I recognize that it's my own choice.

This also means that I have to make getting back on track my own choice. So I am. Starting January 4th, I'm starting over (again). Same plan, same goals. More commitment. 

Obviously, I'd like to write more. I need to get serious about this blog. For some reason, keeping my weight loss blog was a whole lot easier than this one has been. But not just the blog. I'd really like to get serious about writing in general. I've decided to look into some writing classes to see what I can learn from them. I have so many books on writing...I should probably read some of those, too.

One of things I struggle with when I make goals like this is remembering them. That sounds silly but it's true. I'll make this goal and keep it in my head...but then I get busy at work or we're doing something else or I just stop thinking about it and it goes right out of my head. So I'm going to find somewhere to write these goals down and put them in front of my face. Writing them in a journal fails because I often forget to journal. I'm going to figure this out and have a picture ready to show you what I've done for my next blog post (deadlines help, too).

I want to do better about owning my goals and making the changes that I need or want. Hopefully, these can be the first steps.

 

Christmas Card List

This year, I took someone off my Christmas card list.

I've done this before. It's not normally a big deal. Typically, I've just lost touch with that person and we've both moved on. Only once has it been due to a falling out and that falling out was actually over my Christmas card (this is a long and involved story. Don't ask).

Due to the global environment, my Christmas card list stayed basically the same from last year to this year. I didn't become close enough to anyone new to get their address for a card and I didn't lose touch with a lot of the people on it either. Apparently, my social life this year is stagnant. 

But, as I was going through the list, I came across the name of a woman who died right after Christmas last year. This woman was a friend of mine but the vast majority of our friendship was over Facebook. We both had dogs and would talk about getting them together for play dates. She introduced me to two television shows that I just love and we had a similar taste in books. We actually had met at Dragon-Con through a mutual friend we were both staying with. She usually would post on my Facebook when she got my Christmas card.

The post about her death hit my Facebook feed right as I left work one night. I still remember exactly how that felt. It was like a gut-punch mixed with absence mixed with regret. I cried when I got out to my car. She was too young and had so much left to give. It wasn't fair.

So, yesterday, as I went through my Christmas card list and saw her name, the same feelings came back in a rush. I stopped for a moment and stared at her name in silence. I remembered some of the times her posts made me smile and I thought back to Dragon-Con. But...I didn't take her name off the list right away. It seemed disloyal, like taking her name off the list would be a disconnection and I didn't want to disconnect. We may not have been close but she had an impact on me. 

Sadly, this isn't the first time I have had to do this. The first time was even harder as it was someone who had always been in my life and that I loved very, very much. I reflected on that moment, too, and how I had cried when I had finally taken her name off the list. I'm teary even thinking about it now and it's been a few years. I still send cards to her family as our families have always been close. I feel the urge to write her name on a card, almost like muscle memory, when I send them out, though..

I did remove my friend's name from the list after a few moments. It was hard to do as this was my last connection to her. I was finally able to do it because I knew I could never really forget her. I still think of her and say a small prayer when something reminds me of her. 

I honestly believe that both of these women made the world a better place. They may be gone from my Christmas card list but they are always in my heart.

NaNoWriMo 2020 Update and Thoughts on Writing

 

Writing is hard. I can understand why it takes some authors years to write a novel.

I am no where near where I should be with writing my novel this year. If I write 2,887 words a day through the end of the month, I just might make my goal.

Fun fact: This is actually the best I have ever done with NaNoWriMo. Every year I do it, I write a little more. Maybe by the time I'm 40, I'll have written a whole novel...

Anyway, there are a few things I let get in the way this year:

1) Work. This is the thing I let get in the way of a lot of things. I'm better than I used to be about it but I still have a long way to go.

2) I got sick. Just a mild sinus infection (not Covid) but between that and long hours at work, I have been so tired I've fallen asleep on the couch.

3) I lost my love for my novel.

This last point was weird. I started with a thought of what I wanted to write about and where I wanted it to go. That's usually how I start: An idea of what I the story I want to tell and a basic idea of characters. I've known writers who have done outlines and character sketches before they write but that has never worked for me. I have to just start writing and my characters will tell me about themselves and how they interact with the world as I write. It's kind of fun when it happens this way, like getting to know a new friend. There's also something a little bit more exciting about watching your story develop before your eyes. 

That last part may make me sound a bit crazy. Just trust me, it works better than me deciding exactly what's going to happen before I start typing the story. 

But I'm not sure I've written my story very well this time. I know the point is just to get it down on paper and then work the kinks out later but I just lost my mojo with it.

So what exactly happened? Well, I was writing a scene and I started realizing I was sympathizing more with the character I didn't like (you weren't supposed to like her) and less with the main character. To change it, I would have had to go back and re-write the entire chapter. This is doable but kind of an overwhelming task. Especially since it would have put me in negative word count for the day. So I put it away for awhile.

Then, with everything else going on, just the thought of going back and fixing it just soured me on it. "I'll do it later, when I've thought of something to do." "Not right now. I'm not in the right head space."

That brings us here, to the point where I have to write nearly 3,000 words a day just to get 50,000 words out for the month. Also an overwhelming task. (In case you are wondering, this post is only 531 words so far.)

But this is one of the reasons I have this blog. Writing things out and sharing with you helps me clear my head of clutter and decide what I really want to do. I think I'm going to try to persevere through the story. I think there might be a way to save it if I put my mind to it. After all, I won't know if I don't try. And if I really want to become a best-selling novelist, I have to actually write a novel.